Secret Box

enchantingtruth @ 2009-10-12T18:38:00

2009-10-12T22:41:24Z

I don't know why, but today I've been in a, mood. I guess if I'm honest with myself I do know why, but it doesn't make sense. I wish and I wish, but nothing can change the here and now. This would be .... naw never mind. RRAAAWWWRRRR

The Truth

2009-09-03T23:50:28Z

"You've always been this possibility for me. This wonderful possibility. But it's just not right. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry... I need you to know that you're the man I want to want."
- Lorelai to Christopher

I have realized that this is us dear, and I can't change how I feel and if you are honest with yourself you wouldn't want me to lie and say something different...I love you. You are amazing. You have always been there, and I know you always will be, but I can't love you the way you want me to love you. I can't love you the way you love me. I'm sorry.

EXCITING!!!

2009-06-21T15:27:47Z

Waiting.....Waiting.....!!!!!!

The Last Song

Give me Strength

2009-04-29T00:19:42Z

I should have worn black, or maybe a uniform.
I knocked on your door with news you did not want to hear.
I am a soilder here to tell the widow she has lost a life time of love. Or I should be. What I do has no honor.
I was not that one to kill, I was the one who fought hard to save a life. With my hands pressed tightly to the wound. You rolled away and with your dying breath blamed me.
No tears came.
No sigh of relief.
Shame. Anger. Lose. These I know.
I wait for tomorrow, knowing that there is nothing I can do but let it come. I will fight again, this time I want to win. There have been too many battles, not my battles, but I fight. Not my war, but I enlisted and stand on the front line just waiting to be shot.

enchantingtruth @ 2009-04-19T22:32:00

2009-04-20T02:43:55Z

I am so frustrated. Where is my life? What happened? Did I let it pass me by? Have I missed happiness?

What is this darkness that knows my name?

enchantingtruth @ 2009-03-24T22:13:00

2009-03-25T02:20:02Z

These are my tears that I have no courage to shed.
Tonight I wonder where it all will end.
I am tired but will not sleep till you are gone.
This is not the last time I will sit alone.
You will wait for me but I can not leave.

I'm AB

2009-03-18T13:24:44Z

Type A

Key traits: You're responsible, anxiety-prone and a bit of a control freak. You're also introverted and sensitive.
Optimal diet: Vegetarian and low-fat.
Best workouts: Low-impact aerobics, stretching and dance.

Type B

Key traits: A strong individual, you set your own rules and are outgoing and charming.
Optimal diet: Balance plant and animal proteins.
Best workouts: Yoga, brisk walking or swimming.

Type O

Key traits: You seek attention and are energetic, confident and outgoing. You also have a competitive streak.
Optimal diet: High-protein (especially meat) and low-carb is best.
Best workouts: Get your heart racing with intense cardio.

Type AB ---And it sounds just like me!!!

Key traits: Unpredictable and mysterious, you're always changing, but are rational and keep a cool head.
Optimal diet: A little of everything.
Best workouts: Thought-inducing exercise like golf, tai chi or yoga.

enchantingtruth @ 2009-03-08T15:03:00

2009-03-08T19:16:34Z

I want to be with myself for a while, see how it feels. I hardly known myself, living the way I do. I'm engulfed. I know all about others---and another about myself

I am the prisoner of the house of the misplaced love.

-henry miller

enchantingtruth @ 2009-01-28T20:59:00

2009-01-29T01:59:32Z

I'm writing again. And it's good.

PUSH, PLEASE!

2009-01-21T21:01:15Z

I feel as if I could cry right now and never stop.

I have a closing this Sunday, but I need an extension, but my supervisor doesn't think that there is a need....however the RW I'm working with does, oh yeah and her supervisor wants one too.
I can't find a house.
I now have a new case.
I'm helping with my brother's up coming wedding.
I'm putting together a wedding shower for his fiancée.
I need to start to put together a shower for my sister.
I'm in my sister's wedding.
This weekend is Snowfest.
This weekend is Bambi Lake. They want me to go as a counselor....they need me to go as a counselor (for so many reasons, and this is coming from them, not me, but I agree)
I have lots of paperwork.
I can't remember the last time I just sat quietly doing nothing, thinking about nothing and worrying about nothing.
I fall asleep at night thinking about work.
I wake and go to work.
I work all day....9:30-7:00 or later...then I come home and do paperwork.
If I have a Saturday without work or wedding stuff, I do paperwork.
Sunday I teach Sunday School, do paperwork, help with Youth Group.
I am so tired. I am so lost. I feel so alone.

I need a break and I don't know if I can get one.
I don't know if I can work it out to go to Bambi, I may be working if I don't get an extension...plus the new case.
I keep holding back the tears. I keep putting on the brave face. I wake, shower, dress and go to work as if I have it all together myself. I counsel clients on inner strength and self affirmations and I can't even do it for myself right now. I look in the mirror and see the flaws.

I am at the end of a very frayed rope.
I am standing on the edge of a cliff in stilettos.
I am at the bottom of a dark hole without a ladder.

Melt Down In: 5...4...3...2.............

enchantingtruth @ 2009-01-17T21:58:00

2009-01-18T02:59:53Z

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.

enchantingtruth @ 2009-01-08T22:07:00

2009-01-09T03:19:52Z

Stupid toaster!

enchantingtruth @ 2009-01-06T19:27:00

2009-01-07T00:33:56Z

The more she talked, the darker the circles under eyes became.
The more she talked about her pain, the more my heart broke. It broken into pieces so small, I am unsure they will all ever be found again.
Her pain became so real to me that I could feel the blood pool under my skin, it was as if I began to take on her bruises.
Her pain so vivid....

Counting time in heartbeats

2008-12-19T20:17:42Z

Hearing the melody that speaks to your heart is not always an easy task; it takes courage, patients, and a deep desire to want to know the truth...no matter what.

I have this book of poetry that calls my name from it's place on a shelf. It longs to be openly loved, or at least, opened.

There are two inscriptions in the front of this book: one to Richard Marks, December 1942, the other is far more dear to my heart, "To Pamela, Hope something in here speaks to you, Samantha Chau" ... a few days ago I listened for that call of my name, and I answered with just as much longing. I let it speak, and it sang to me.

Song of Songs
Wilfred Owen

Sing me at morn but only with your laugh;
Even as Spring that laugheth into leaf;
Even as Love that laugheth after Life.

Sing me but only with your speech all day,
As voluble leaflets do; let viols die;
The least word of your lips is melody!

Sing me at eve but only your sigh!
Like lifting seas it solaceth; breathe so,
Slowly and low, the sense that no songs say.

Sing me at midnight with your murmurous heart!
Let youth's immortal-moaning chord be heard
Throbbing through you, and sobbing, unsubdued.

I am not in love, there is no murmurous heart that sings me to sleep, but I pray that someday I will be able to whisper these words, in the dark love of midnight.
Wilfred Owen, a war poet, and this. Hummm

A special thanks to the one who brings the music of the moment, and the chocolate that warms a wondering soul.

Holding the Pain

2008-12-12T03:18:57Z

Honestly, I am happy for you. I want the best for you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. But, I can not lie, I am not always happy. I want everyone to stop telling me that it will be OK. I don't think that I can take hearing anymore about how someday it will happen for me. let joke about the pain, it's how I deal with it. Let me be sad that I'm not as happy, I need it in that moment. Why is that we think we much always be happy? If it were not for sadness would be know what happy really felt like? Would we long for another if we never felt lonely? I am lonely and sad, therefore, I know that someday I will find who will make me happy and I will not be alone, but please I beg you, stop telling this to me. I do not need to hear how you know that it will happen, at the right time, in the right place, with the right person. Please stop telling me that you know I will find the one who will be right for me and make me happy. You are not making me happy right now, and that hurts more. I want you to understand that I am alright with the pain, I need it. Someday I will no longer need it and I will give up the hold I have on it, or rather it has on me, but for now it is my companion, please don't take it from me. Know this however, I am not always sad, and at times I don't notice the loneliness, it's not always bad, it's not all bad. Please understand I mean no harm to your happiness, and around you I will show no signs of self-pity. Be happy, please. But please, stop trying so hard to make me happy.

The Song in My Head

2008-12-10T19:56:26Z

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Be Safe

2008-12-09T03:13:14Z

Edward, Jasper, Emmet, Carlisle, even at times Jacob...

Mr.Darcy...

Logan, Landon, Miles, John, Travis, Jeremy, Paul, Noah, Wilson, Mike, Taylor, Garrett...

and all I'm asking for is one

***

I close my first case Wednesday, I am so excited...nervous to be taking on 2 new cases at one time, but excited.
I still need to figure out what I want to get my masters in and then apply and pray I get in, and then go get it...way too much work, but someday I will be Dr.Pamela G. (last name subject to change..any takers?), Ph.D (or Psy. D)

Beauty

2008-11-18T04:07:03Z

Your steps are small, but beautiful.

Leslie: well then....here is to Tuesday:

Dear Tuesday and all the co-workers and roomates in it,

You can't break us. and as much as you will try, you will fail. because we love you.and more importantly, because we are loved. So...please know in advance that we're praying for you. and we're an army. and we're children of the King. and it's better to accept His love than to run from it. don't worry, we'll explain everything.

love,

leslie and pamela

Your stories touch my soul.
My heart breaks for you, and it's warmed by the thought of your search.
He has already found, let Him hold you tight, He saves us all.
My love for you had never faded, and never will.
You're steps, small as they may be are beautiful. Your steps may be long and hard, but trust, dear one trust that they are worth it.
You my friend are worth it.
Seek, He's waiting. He's holding out His strong hands. He's calling out your name. He whispers, "My child, you are the one I long for and love, you are mine for all time."
Be at peace. Be still. Know.
He longs for the day of your return. He waits; looking out over the troubled waters you tread, He waits, to rescue you.
Look up, see the light. Night has gone, and only the sun remains.

11/21/08 It's Coming...

2008-11-01T00:35:53Z

The Glass Passenger

2008-10-03T02:23:28Z

Beat my body like a rag doll
Stuck your needles in my hip
Said we're not going to lie
Son you just might die
Get you on the morphine drip

-Caves, Jack's Mannequin

Loving my new book : The Lucky One, Nicholas Sparks
Loving my new cd: The Glass Passenger, Jack's Mannequin

I am so excited about Saturday!
Audrey & Luis !!!!!!!
and I get to be the Maid of Honor...SWEET!

enchantingtruth @ 2008-09-29T22:13:00

2008-09-30T02:17:28Z

You will own none of my tears.

there's magic in the air (first day of fall)

2008-09-22T20:09:29Z

Last night as I lay in bed, try as I might to fall asleep, it came to me... It was time to wash my sheets. Not because they are gross, I'm a clean person, so they still smell great, but rather due to the fact that it hit me, you know it's time to wash your sheets and remake your bed to perfection when your bed looks like it has been taken over by terrorists. You know the look; the sheet is balled up at the bottom of your bed in a corner, your cover no longer meets the end of your bed so your feet are sticking out and the cover is slightly off to the side and when you turn over in the middle of the night it goes from just covering your butt to not covering you at all. Yes it is true, you wake up in the morning, look at your bed and wonder "who the heck attacked me last night?"

Tomorrow I find out about my new job, or at least I should find out tomorrow, that is after all the day that they told me that they would inform me if they want me.
It's looking pretty good, I've heard from Ann telling me that they called her to check my references and my inside source says that I am a top candidate.

BTW: Today is the First Day of Autumn
there is something magical about this time of year...I believe you would agree if you enjoy any of the following:
Chi Tea
Football
Pumpkins
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
Spices
Layered Outfits
Crisp Air
Apples
Caramel Apples
Apple Cider
Colorful Trees
...what makes this season magical for you?....

enchantingtruth @ 2008-09-17T21:29:00

2008-09-18T01:43:38Z

I just bought a new pair of khakis yesterday and I love the way the smell.
Odd I know.
I bought them at Hollister, yes I know what I just said, but I did it because they are so soft, they had the nicest look I could find at the mall and once I got them home I could not believe how great they smell. They smell like the store but on a softer level. Now I want a boyfriend so I can go buy him Hollister cologne and then I can smell this beautiful smell all the time...on someone super cute, of course.
I'm strange I know, I can accept that.

I want to sleep!!!
It's been too long since I was able to fall asleep within 20mins and stay asleep all night.
It would be nice to also have a really great dream and remember it ...
... oh well ....

Fall is on it's way

2008-09-13T03:30:00Z

Ok so I want to learn to bake amazing cakes and decorate them with beauty and fill everyone with awe and wonder.
This is my new goal...for my free time.

I had an interview today that went well. It was for a job that would supplement my income and give me something to do a few days a week. Not bad, but not what I want totally.
Monday, however, I have an interview for a full time job that I do think I really want! Pray for that one!!! I am so excited to see what comes next.

Autumn is on it's way, I know this to be true by the sign I saw today. Yes people, it is true, Starbucks has Pumpkin Spice Lattes back! Fall into Fall baby and curl up with a warm cup 'a spicy goodness. I love this time of year, it almost seems to have magic in it.
For a moment today I thought of him because his cousin made me the a beautiful PSL back on the 4th of July; and for a moment today I was sad, but soon recovered.

I want nothing more than to seek what God has for me and that is my goal.
I want love, but I know that it's best in God's time.
I want this new job, and if it's God's will, I will have it.
So I wait and I pray.

Go On- Gavin Mikhail

2008-09-10T02:45:41Z

Here I stand as you're leaving
Far away from me
And, I don't know why you're leaving
I am lost... do you see?
You lied to me...

What am I supposed to do without you?
What am I going to love instead of us
Instead of our life?
I tried, I wasted time believing you were mine
I know it now you're gone somehow
I will go on go on...

What if I said that I'd change
To everything you need?
Make believe I am someone
Else you'd love and keep...
Would you leave me?

What am I supposed to do without you?
What am I going to love instead of us
Instead of our life?
I tried, I wasted time believing you were mine
I know it now you're gone somehow
I will go on go on...

And in the days to come I will know it
And so if I don't live for it
Far beyond this, staying away from you
I won't be the one left hated, discarded, and jaded
Now I know
Not for you
I'll find the way to
My heart and I am gone...

What am I supposed to do without you?
What am I going to love instead of us
Instead of our life?
I tried, I wasted time believing you were mine
I know it now you're gone somehow
What am I supposed to do without you?
What am I going to love instead of us
Instead of our life?
I tried, I wasted time believing you were mine
I know it now you're gone somehow
I will go on go on
Know I will go on go on
Know that I will go on go on...